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[Tuesday
February 7th, 2006 @ 11:17pm] |
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for once, can i just get some reassurance that things will be ok without being yelled or asked a thousand questions. i need to know that youre there without having to ask.
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| lets just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are |
[Sunday
February 5th, 2006 @ 1:48am] |
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mood |
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weird |
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music |
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the shins-caring is creepy |
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its late
i dont feel like talking but i feel uneasy and that i need to say things, but i dont know what... or how.
i watched requiem for a dream tonight for the first time in almost 2 years. i forgot how sad it was and how it really effected me and how i feel about my life and where it is going, because basically i dont have a clue, for the time i have no idea where my life went. id like to think it went to kansas but thats just my heart. its been over a month since i have seen jim. i miss him, i want to tell him, but i feel like it would just push him away. and im not really good at explaining the way i feel.
i wish there were reasons for the way i feel, but honestly i havent been able to come up with anything. my life just doesnt ... fall in any place ... or am i just crazy? i have a good life, i shouldn't complain.
i wish it was the fourth of july... i was happy then
can i just fast forward the next 4 years of my life when im out of college and MAYBE jim isnt in the army anymore, but that probably wont happen.
i need to start writing again.
people say i need to stop letting the little things throw me off, but honestly, thats not it. i get mad or upset about things for maybe 2 minutes and then i usually forget about it, things just havent been affecting me lately. this is something in me thats making me feel confused and let down, and i dont know why or what caused it. at this point i have been feeling this way for so long its just become the part of me that i dont talk about.
i just want to feel better, but i dont know how.
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| black lines can turn to battlefields |
[Tuesday
January 31st, 2006 @ 8:35pm] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
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music |
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acceptance-over you |
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sooo life..not so much. physics ruins my life. i hate Doc, he makes me feel like the stupidest person to walk through his door. i dont think i have a day without crying because of the shit he says to me and how he makes me feel. and you know what he could care less! damn, i feel like im dating the man, cuz he constantly makes me feel terrible. tomorrow i have a project due and i have yet to start it because i have no idea what the hell i am doing. great.
i have been fighting with my mom like whoa lately. mainly because you know i am a terrible person and i treat my friends so much better than i treat or act around my family. well you know what, maybe if you werent such a bitch, we wouldnt have this problem. or maybe im the bitch, its probably me.
i have absolutely no idea what i am saying, i havent slept in days and im not exactly comprehensive. fuck.
EDIT
on the brighter side. agi sarah erin and i went to rochester to see yellowcard and mae sunday night. it was probably one of the best nights of my life. mae was absolutely amazing and the lead singer ryan from yellow card signed my jeans. it made me happy. aside from being punched, kicked and ya know basically taken out the show was amazing. we had the best time, we made awesome friends with the first band that played. we basically made fun out of every situation that could have been remotely shitty like 3 people not being able to come and then standing in the rain/cold for 2 hours was basically hilarious and i loved it and the asshole dude that was infront of us the whole, sorry dude but youre at a concert PEOPLE WILL PUSH YOU AND FIGHT FOR YOUR SPOT. GET OVER IT. Mark and Antwan, oh boy, sorry but youre not black! haha. and some wicked sketch guy that we scapled a ticket to. so basically we were front row and saw two amazing bands play. my body still hurts from the bitches that punched me but you know i enjoyed every second of it!
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[Tuesday
November 29th, 2005 @ 11:13pm] |
conclusion: i am completely stressed out
i now have to have an 8 piece photography portfolio done by christmas. ha. AND ITS NOT REQUIRED!
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[Saturday
November 26th, 2005 @ 11:27am] |
the wind blows harder tonight
it feels like the summer air is coming back to haunt me cuz youre not here
i realize i am alone in a world full of peoples faces i dont recognize
nor do i care to learn their names
i want a beginning
somewhere to start over and forget all my mistakes and lies
cuz theres too much broken that can't be fixed tonight
im going back to the places that we knew
love was wider and more transparent than the miles we've become accustomed to
maybe this isn't working out
or maybe its me
i still can't find the answers of all these questions
i strive for
i still don't understand these meanings of why things have to be
im waiting for a response from something that has signifacant meaning
til then theres nothing but heartache and memories im still trying to forget
about the boy whos too far away to hear the sound of my heart breaking
against these harsh winds and waves
we always spent nights listening to the wind and waves crashing against us
it feels like summer
buts its only november
why can't time hold still just for a minute
so i can feel some moment of happiness that is true
cuz im not
and i will never be
im just looking for answers that will never have a resolution
so ill wait out these battle fields with wounds that wont ever seem to heal
cuz i created them
only i can destroy them
this world is falling apart
and im just trying to find myself along the rubble of these fallen skyscrappers
it feels like november
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[Tuesday
November 1st, 2005 @ 11:13pm] |
Yours is the first face that I saw
Think i was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know
Yeah these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realise that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.
8/1
18*<3
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[Saturday
October 22nd, 2005 @ 6:38am] |
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i wanted to believe that this was simple
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| we wanted to believe in one last time |
[Tuesday
October 4th, 2005 @ 12:59pm] |
i wanted to believe in a perfect world
that everything made sense
and i was alive and in love for a reason
but the sky seems to break and the sun is crashing to the ground
while were miles away
i still feel your heart beat in breakdowns
these seas are breaking upon us
and im trying not to get taken under
but youre dying to be found
and im dying to find you
these highways lines are keeping me from you
the traffic moves a mile ever hour
and it feels so infinite
unlike myself
so come take me away with you
im sick of living in your letters and promising goodbyes
promises you were never sure you could keep
so make me feel alive one last time
give me something to belong to
cuz this world is falling apart
and im just trying to find myself along the rubble of these fallen skyscrappers
youre the only thing beautiful left in this world
let me keep you
on a top shelf
to be tucked between books i never really read
or actually cared enough to read
youlll be with me
you won't be lonely anymore
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[Sunday
October 2nd, 2005 @ 9:05pm] |
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we're lucky and in love.
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[Wednesday
September 21st, 2005 @ 7:37pm] |
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who the fuck said senior year was easy? i want to kill them.
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| somewhere between figuring it out and who we are |
[Wednesday
September 14th, 2005 @ 8:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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lethargic |
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music |
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underoath-im content with losing |
] |
so lately i've been feeling completely out of place. school has started, classes are alright, not as bad as i thought they were going to be. lately i just haven't been able to stand people. everyone just seems so self absorbed, when im too busy thinking about all the things that i leave unsaid.
my mind is kind of on overload. i don't know how much more i can take of this. too much is going on for me to process. i need to take a minute and breathe, it just never seems to last that long, or do any good in my situation.
im trying to be ok, im trying not to think about the fact that jim is going to iraq, it just seems like everything is telling me that he should not be there and i can't shake it. its hard when i tell him everything, i feel like im keeping something from him when i dont tell him how much it hurts to think about the idea of him in iraq. the silence of the pain we don't say to eachother is deafening. i guess we don't want to make things worse. i just want november to come now, i want to see him again. i wanna know hes there, when i need him. he hasnt called in almost 2 weeks. i should (hope) to get a phone call this weekend when he has time off.
college is starting to seriously scare me. i haven't started my applications yet. theyre due in the beginning of november. i always seem too busy or too exhausted to look at them. im already falling behind, and its only september.
i really need something to take my mind off of things. ugh....
if jim isn't in town when ball comes around. sean said he wants to take me. he made my life. its comforting to know that if jim isnt here to go with i know i have someone who is my best friend and knows me second best to go with. and i know jim would approve. im glad we're getting back to where we were. i missed sean and being mad close.
so now im done ranting. i love anyone who really took the time to read that.
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| its you and me on a monday |
[Saturday
August 13th, 2005 @ 3:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
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music |
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underoath-reinventing the exit |
] |
4 letters in 2 weeks
i missed your phone call lastnight
im so sorry
i miss you more than you know
i miss all the nights we had
laying on pavement talking about our lives
looking at the same stars
were looking at thousands of miles apart
this doesnt seem right anymore
the only promise i have is a plane ticket in december
words takes weeks to recieve
i want you, but i want something substanial
i stare at your sloppy words all days
remind and repeat
"i miss you so much, i cant even explain it, please write me soon"
"i miss you so much, i cant even explain it, please write me soon"
all of this
ends with an "I love you" from thosands of miles away
written days before
i miss the way your shoulder blade
hit the window and caught the light in your eye
i still remember my reflection in your eyes when we said goodbye
i still remember the sadness i felt when you kissed me and drove away
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[Monday
August 8th, 2005 @ 5:27pm] |
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We spend most of our lives relying on promising goodbyes
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| far from anything.. |
[Sunday
September 5th, 2004 @ 11:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
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music |
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from autumn to ashes-mecury rising |
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hello my first name is distance
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[Wednesday
September 1st, 2004 @ 4:50pm] |
and she hasn't the prettiest eyes.
gloomy and weathered from tears
but her heart is made of gold
but shattered into pieces
you said it was because she should have better
but she only wanted you
she may not be the prettiest or proudest
but she loved you for you
not some image you put up
for all the other girls to admire
all she wanted was a meaning
but you left her in the dark
with another shot of alcohol
and pharmcuticals that could do her in
lying on your bedroom floor
exactly where you left her to pick up your mess
she wears nothing but an aching heart
and bruises from where you raped her
stumbling to get up again
she walks out the door
locking up and placing the key under the welcome mat
she tries to forget
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[Friday
August 20th, 2004 @ 10:07pm] |
Write a poem on the back of a piece of paper
With folded corners
And torn edges
Blue from my back pocket
Write something worth saying
Though I don’t say too much
Pretend it means something
Pretend I meant something to you once
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